Golf should be fun. Clear sunny skies and gentle breezes. Quality time spent outdoors with good friends. Making memories. Hitting some good shots, certainly some bad ones. We should be determined to have fun with it. Laughing and telling jokes, trading timely barbs, and draining the occasional long range putt for birdie. Fun. So don’t be this golfer. You know, the one that sucks the life out of the group. Like Bela Lugosi in a bad vampire flick. In no particular order, here are some golfers to avoid….
The Tip Guy
We’ve all met him. One unsolicited tip after another oozing from his pie hole. “You looked up,” “you need to stay in the shot,” or “you should…..blah blah blah %$#^$ blah”. Not a given, but chances are this guy plays worse than you. Now if said tip is requested, by all mean help out. His intentions are probably good, but his advice is probably not. His result? Draining the life right outta the group.
The “Reloader” (aka Mulligan Maestro)
“I’m just gonna hit another real fast.” Yep, not a new one here. Heaven forbid you’re the one riding with this guy. If you’re hitting another one, it’s even money the first one was awful. Snap hook, banana slice – pick your poison. Assuming the ball does not visibly end up in water or a forest so thick you’d never find it, then no need to reload. Find your ball and play on. Can’t find it, drop one and play on. Not this guy, he’s certain to take 6-8 mulligans throughout the day. If you know you’re playing with him, have some fun. Make over/under bets with your other buddies before the round starts. This might actually cause you to root for him to take another mulligan. As an added bonus, you won’t (silently) groan when he hits a bad shot. That’s a win for you.
As in Amerigo. Famous Italian explorer. The Vespucci can and will search for a golf ball until it’s discovered. Oftentimes, you and your playing partners just know the ball can’t be found. Wait! What’s this?! You’re greeted with the familiar “here it is!’ shout. Sure enough, he’s found “his” Pinnacle XL hot balata whatever. Great, now he “only” lays 2. And he beats you by a shot on that hole. Don’t be this golfer.
We all know one. 7-8 practice swings before every shot. Checking wind direction, checking yardage. Changing clubs. A few more rehearsal swings. Just hit the shot already. Paralysis by analysis anyone? I’m convinced if they would speed up just a “hare” they’d play better golf. It’s not the Open, it’s a casual round of golf with friends.
No doubt you’ve encountered this champ. Here’s the scenario: It’s 96 out and you’re sweating buckets. When the beverage cart rolls around you are definitely getting something cold to drink. Beer, Gatorade….whatever overpriced drink is being sold. Now generally, you can buy a round for your partners and just trade off for the next time. Not so fast, though. When it’s tightwad’s turn, all of a sudden he’s “not thirsty.” In fact, he’s never thirsty when it’s his turn. Or he’ll just get some water from the cooler. There’s also a fairly decent chance he’s the wealthiest guy in the group. Certainly a guy to avoid. *also avoid at the 19th hole or any barhopping situation*
Cart Girl Romeo
Even if you are single, this needs a rest. Chances are the young lady driving the beverage cart is a looker. Makes sense, more drinks sold and better tips. Good for the course, good for her. But there is really no need to be the 37th mutt of the day hitting on her. Sure, some brief flirty banter is fine. She’s going to do it, you can play along. But really, just get your Budweiser and move along. Love is not in the air, she’s not going out with you.
The Excuse King
“Well if I had/hadn’t …insert lame excuse here.” Surely there’s a reason for his poor play. He’s hungover. Didn’t eat a good meal. Worked triceps at the gym the day before. Whatever, no one is buying it or wants to hear it.
Social Media Maven
Take a picture with your buddies to preserve the round for posterity. Hell, post it to Facebook, Twitter, Pinterest, or whatever. Take two pictures even. But literally no need to do it on every hole. Or every shot. It’s overkill. Your “followers” will thank you for it. And for God’s sake do not post a photo of the hotdog you got at the turn. No one cares. Put the phone down and enjoy the great outdoors.
Rules are rules, they should be honored and respected. No dispute with that. Hazarding a guess, there’s a reasonable chance your group does not follow USGA rules to the letter. Which is fine. Your game, your rules. They should be made very clear on the first tee before a single shot is struck. Matters not, because you’re bound to encounter the enforcer. Apparently his job is to police the entire group all day. Shot ends up a foot out of bounds but still playable? Sorry, take the penalty. Putt not quite “in the leather?” Putt it out. Our group usually has what we call the “triple max” rule. The rule is this: If you are completely out of a hole (hit two balls in the water, shanked one in the gorse, etc) you can pick up and take a maximum score of triple bogey. Speeds up the game. Saves you from certain rage or further embarrassment. Do you really need to finish a hole for a 13? The enforcer thinks you do.
To be sure, there are many other types of annoying golfers. Don’t let them take the fun out of your next round. What other stereotypes have you encountered? I’m sure there were plenty not mentioned. As always, any thoughts or comments are welcomed. Thanks for reading!